Save me! The Snickers are coming!!

It’s that time of year again. The time I lovingly think of as the Prequel to New Years Resolutions (not like the Star Wars prequels, but maybe just as bad). Starting this weekend, we get to eat ALL THE THINGS! It’s getting cold, after all, and you know, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever excuse. Veterans Day. Remembrance Day in Canada. The Great American Smokeout on November 19.

We gotta eat, y’all. Every New Years Resolution needs a good origin story, so why not start with candy corn in October? We can eat our way through New Years Eve, then wake up ready to FINALLY reach our goals. Next year.

We don’t believe you, this guy and me.

Or…we could all decide together that it’s bullshit. How about moderation during this holiday season? We’ll tackle those other big holidays as they come (I know, I always overindulge on Marooned Without a Compass Day too…), but for now, let’s just talk about what digging in the kids’ candy buckets will cost us this weekend.

Besides the cost of all that therapy they’ll need later, meanie.

Here’s a quick glance at just what you need to do to burn off the calories from all that candy. Because they’re my favorite, we’re going to burn everything off with burpees.

Burning off the Twix, baby!
  • SNICKERS: 64 burpees!
  • TWIX: 72 burpees (and that’s just for one, not both)!
  • CANDY CORN (small pack): 70 burpees!
  • MILKY WAY: 68 burpees!
  • REECES CUPS: 72 burpees!
  • KIT KATS: 65 burpees!
  • HERSHEYS: 60 burpees!
  • MR. GOODBAR: 45 burpees (don’t get excited, I could only find the mini-size calorie count for this one…)!
  • M&Ms (just the chocolate ones): 75 burpees!
  • PEANUT M&Ms: 83 burpees!

So let’s suppose I dig into my daughter’s candy Saturday night, as has happened on occasion*. Let’s say I grab my favorites: all 3 Snickers, a pack of candy corn, and some peanut M&Ms (because protein). That’s 337 burpees just to burn those calories. Even though I do like burpees…I don’t love them enough for that.

That’s like 10,000 burpees. Nope.
*Occasion being defined as “every damn year” in this case
Note: All of this candy is based on “Fun Size” and an approximately 140-pound consumer.

One thought on “Just in time for Halloween: An exercise guide for getting through the kids’ candy

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